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yvi_writesTitle: Symbiosis - Chapter Five & Epilogue
Fandom: Stargate: SG-1
Author: Yvi
Rating: PG-13
Full header in the index post
Chapter Five: Symbiosis
Sam sat by her father's side for a few hours before he finally opened his eyes again.
"Sam?"
Sam thought he already looked a lot better than when they had left for the Tok'ra planet. "Yes, Dad? I'm here."
"Good." He grasped her hand and squeezed it. And then he smiled.
"How are you feeling?" she asked.
"I think I actually feel fine. You know, physically."
Sam smiled, tons of weight being lifted from her mind. "That's great. And... you know, otherwise?"
He thought for a moment. "It's... confusing. But in a good way, I think."
Sam nodded. She didn't know what he meant, but she could also see that he wasn't yet able to explain his feelings. He had never been the best talker anyway.
"We need to go to the funeral now. They will expect me there. We will more talk later, I promise. We have all the time in the world now." He sat up, smiling.
Sam was anxious to finally talk to her father, but she knew through Jolinar, Saroosh's funeral would not wait. She called for Martouf, who had been waiting outside.
Martouf led them out of the tunnels to the funeral site. The funeral would take place around the Stargate, where some of the Tok'ra had erected a pyre placed Saroosh's body on it, which Sam found rather odd.
Sam found that a fascinating rite, developed by a race whose everyday life involved the Stargate. Even in death, they were connected to it.
"We have come here today to say good-bye to the Tok'ra Saroosh," Selmak began quietly, but audible to everyone who had come. Most of the Tok'ra that were currently on base seemed to have come and they all stood in silence while Selmak talked about Saroosh's life, her personality and her experiences. He spoke in the voice of her father and to Sam that was both soothing and upsetting, as she had heard him talk like this before, on official Air Force functions, but also on her mother's funeral. He had said such beautiful things back then, but Sam remembered little of it. She had been too young, too upset.
Selmak closed the speech with the formal Tok'ra words of final farewell. "shal nor'em calak nem kek. Tak mal arik tiak."
Sam hadn't known Saroosh at all, but still she could feel her eyes getting wet. She blinked and pushed her feelings away, focusing on the image of her father standing tall and healthy in front of her, so much better than only two days ago.
Per'sus was the one who dialed the Stargate to create the vortex that took Saroosh's body away. One by one, the Tok'ra said their private good-byes and then went back to the tunnels. Per'sus and Sam were the last two, and Per'sus only spoke a few quick words to Sam's father before also returning to the tunnels.
"Sam," Jacob said to her and beckoned her to follow him. They walked in silence for a while and sat down on the desert sand a bit further away from the Stargate. Sam found herself not knowing what to say to him.
"This is all very strange," he then blurted out and laughed.
Sam couldn't help but laugh with him. "I know what you mean."
"I am actually having a conversation in my head and don't know what reply I will get."
"Better than always talking to yourself, huh?"
He thought for a moment. "I am not sure yet. But it sure beats being dead, don't ya think?"
Sam just nodded. She didn't want to think about this particular possible outcome.
"Selmak told me about what happened with you and Jolinar," Jacob continued, quieter than before.
Looking up at her father, she saw concern on his face. "I am fine," she said.
He raised an eyebrow. "And I am supposed to believe that?"
Sam knew that Jolinar felt uncomfortable with this topic, but that wasn't why she didn't want to continue this topic of conversation. "Yes, actually, you are," she replied.
Her father shook his head, but didn't press the matter any further. "I seem to have acquired a few duties along with my new... companion."
Sam was grateful for the change in topic. "Yes, Selmak is a member of the Tok'ra Council."
"Which is having a few issues at the moment. Selmak says I should tell you that Cordesh has been punished and that Talkar has been forced to return to the Tok'ra and is being held until further questioning."
"That is good news," Sam replied.
"The blending and the funeral were a lot to take in at once. I think I will soon make my way to Selmak's... my quarters. We have so much to talk about, Sam, but I am still an old man and need a bit of rest."
She nodded. "I understand. Sounds like a good idea."
"And what are your plans for now, Sam?"
Sam thought for a moment before replying. "I think I will be returning to Earth for a while. That was at least what I had originally planned to do when the General told me about your... condition." Sam hesitated. "Actually, I was supposed to talk some more about the Tok'ra-Earth alliance with General Hammond." Sam had completely forgotten that with everything that had happened.
Her father nodded. "Yes, Selmak has an idea for that, actually. Seems like the Council feels very much in your debt now and will okay a formal alliance very soon. He thinks that I... we could serve as a kind of liaison between the two people."
"And what do you think about that?" Sam asked.
"I think I actually like the idea. I have lived on Earth for so many years, I think I will enjoy seeing what the rest of the universe has to offer to me, and Selmak's life does sound like it would be very exciting. The Air Force hasn't given me any action in years now. But... going back to Earth from time to time would be wonderful. I think I'd miss the planet otherwise. And you and Mark, of course."
Sam nodded. She knew what he meant, she also couldn't imagine a life completely away from Earth.
"So, what are you going to do now?"
"Going back to Earth?" Sam was confused. Hadn't she just answered that question?
Her father shook his head. "No, I mean afterwards. Are you going to wait for a new host for Jolinar and then return to your team?"
Sam shrugged. "I suppose so. I didn't have much time to think the last few days."
He laughed. "I can imagine that. How about you... gate back to Earth and get a few good night's sleep in a real bed? I can imagine that these tunnels are not the most comfortable place to stay. And, well Selmak told me what you have done the last few weeks. A few days back home should do you some good, don't you think? I will excuse you with the other Tok'ra."
"You want to get rid of me, don't you?" Sam laughed.
"Nothing less than that. But apparently, I am now one of their oldest and wisest and can pretty much do what I want. And that includes sending my daughter to bed when I think she needs a break." He winked at her and stood up. "I will even excuse you with Martouf."
Sam was surprised to realize that Jolinar was agreeing with her father.
They walked back to the Stargate together. Sam hugged her father good-bye before dialing the coordinates of Earth. She was just about to say something about missing him and how grateful she was for seeing him like this when he just said "Tell George I said hello" and turned away.
Sam sighed. He might be a Tok'ra now, but he was also still her father.
It was late evening on Earth when Sam returned through the Stargate. The General had gone home for the night and so Sam was allowed to return to her quarters after a thorough medical exam. She wasn't allowed to leave the base, but she also had no desire to. For the moment, she just wanted to sleep.
Despite that, Sam woke up in the middle of the night. Even the relatively comfortable bed on base was not inviting enough to keep her from thinking too much. And there was much to think about. She felt like she had been gone for several weeks while in reality it had been just under two. The trip to Ovlek's planet, the time on the ship and then her father's blending... it had all taken place with little time to breathe.
Thoughts floated through her head and at first she tried to suppress them. She know she needed sleep. But she also needed to sort the thoughts in her head and make a few decisions. Jolinar seemed to be asleep, repairing a few minor things in Sam's and her body.
An hour later, Sam was still awake, lying with her eyes closed. She had come to a decision.
It took Jolinar a few seconds to answer.
Sam strengthened herself. She was sure of what she wanted to say next, but actually formulating the thoughts was more difficult than she had thought.
There was a moment of silence and Sam started to feel nervous. Maybe Jolinar didn't feel the same way? But hadn't she felt the same feelings from her for the past few days? The feeling that she didn't want to leave her again?
Sam was relieved. This was such a life-changing decision and she knew that the path in front of her wouldn't be easy. But she needed Jolinar to feel the same or they would have to go separate ways again.
Jolinar thought about that for a moment.
Sam wasn't sure whether this was the wisest decision she had ever taken. But it felt good to her, and she could only hope that she wouldn't regret it.
In the morning, Sam decided to go the official way. She had been given an appointment at 1030 for a formal debriefing with the General the night before, so she would be able to bring her wish up during that conversation.
After sitting around for a while and a short trip to get some food, Sam wandered over to Daniel's office, not actually sure whether SG-1 already had returned from their mission to Cimmeria. She felt out of the loop and wondered what they had done there.
Daniel practically ran into her when she walked into his room through the open door.
"Oh, hey, Sam. I didn't know you were on base. How are you?" he said, balancing about one dozen thick books between his hands and his chin.
"I'm good, thanks. I arrived really late last night," she answered. "Come on, I can help you." She grabbed the top five books off him.
"I am just going to bring those to Doctor Rothman's office. I don't need them anymore," Daniel explained and led the way. "It's just around the corner."
"How's your father?" Daniel said on the way down the corridor. "We were all worried when we heard about him."
Sam smiled. "Thanks. He's fine now and staying with the Tok'ra for a while."
"Good to hear," Daniel responded, knocking on the door of Rothman's office. When no reply came from the inside, he pushed open the door, which was unlocked.
Sam followed him to the office where he knocked before pushing open the door. The office looked very much like Daniel's, just with less Egyptian things. Instead, the archaeologist working here seemed to be more interested in Ancient China.
"Just put them on the floor somewhere," Daniel advised her and did just that with then pile he was carrying.
Sam wondered whether complete chaos was the normal working environment for Daniel's colleagues, but didn't ask the question out loud, instead just doing as she was told.
"So, did everything go well with your father?" Daniel asked concerned while they were walking back to his office.
She nodded. "Yes, he is healthy again."
"That must have been tough." They arrived in Daniel's office now and Sam's teammate was busy de-cluttering one of the chairs so Sam could sit down. She took the offered seat once he had managed that almost impossible task.
"It wasn't pleasant," Sam said with a sigh. "But it turned out alright."
Daniel nodded, and Sam suspected from his expression that his thoughts were with Sha're again, even if only for a brief second.
"You were on Cimmeria while I was gone," Sam said, changing the topic.
Daniel pushed back his glasses. "Oh, yeah, we came back yesterday as well. Kendra called us because they were being attacked by the Goa'uld."
Sam leaned back and listened to Daniel telling her the whole story, only occasionally asking a question. He told her about the Hall of Thor's Might and how it had taken quite long to solve the puzzle, but they managed with the help of a lieutenant that General Hammond had sent along with them, who apparently had minored in mathemetics.
They laughed that it would have probably taken a bit less time with Sam and for a moment, Sam felt sad that she hadn't been there with her team. But Daniel just went on to talk about discovering the Asgard and Sam was listening to him with growing fascination. The Tok'ra knew of the Asgard, but they had never met them.
As Daniel was coming close to finish recounting the events, Teal'c stopped by and joined them. When she had heard everything there was to know about the Cimmeria mission, Sam told of her own adventures until she took a look at her watch and almost jumped out of Daniel's chair.
"Sorry guys, I have an appointment with the General," she excused herself.
Sam hurried to General Hammond's office and knocked on the door. He called her inside and mentioned for her to take a seat.
She sat down in the chair opposite of the General. It was always slightly intimidating to be in this office even though she couldn't have hoped for a better and kinder base commander than General Hammond. She knew that sh first needed to talk to him about her father, but then... Then she needed to tell him about her plans.
"Welcome home, Captain." General Hammond looked at her warmly.
"Thank you, sir," Sam said with a smile. She liked talking to General Hammond so much more than talking to the Tok'ra Council – where the Tok'ra Council made her feel insecure and small, the General always made her feel welcomed.
"Now, what can I do for you, Captain Carter?" he asked. "Is everything alright with Jacob?"
Sam heard a bit of worry in his voice and shook her head. "No, sir, everything is fine with him and he sends his regards. I am sure he will be able to talk to you in person soon."
"That is wonderful news."
"It is. However, I wanted to talk to you about something else."
Sam took a deep breath. This was it, the first step on her new path.
The General had called an immediate briefing of SG-1 once hearing her decision, but it took some time to assemble the team in one place. Colonel O'Neill had left the base in order to get some downtime after their mission to Cimmeria. Sam knew that that mission must have been straining for the Colonel – after all, SG-1 was partially responsible for the Goa'uld invasion that had taken place. One hour after the General's call, he, too, arrived on base.
"So Carter, what important news do you have? Your dad is okay, right?" Colonel O'Neill said, flinging himself on one of the briefing room chairs. The rest of the team was already seated and they had only been told by the General that Sam needed to discuss something urgent with them. The General himself was not present, instead calling some people who could help with Sam's situation. She was immensely grateful for that.
"He is, Colonel," Sam said with a smile which she knew looked forced.
"That's good to hear. Would love to meet him one of these days. So, I hear you have something urgent for us to discuss?"
"Well, I don't quite know how to phrase this, sir," Sam replied.
"Just... say it out loud. I am sure we can handle it," the colonel replied with a short glance at his teammates, who were as unaware of Sam's plans as he.
She took a deep breath. "I have made a decision regarding Jolinar. I am planning not to take the Tok'ra's offer to find a new host for her. Instead I am planning to stay blended with her. The General already knows about this."
There was a moment of silence. Sam looked at each of them, expecting their reactions not to be positive.
"That is your choice to make, Captain Carter" Teal'c then said, obviously accepting her decision in the matter.
Colonel O'Neill held up a hand. "Whoa, not so quick."
Sam could take a very good guess as to what he wanted to say with that. "Sir, I can assure you I have thought this through."
"Oh, I am sure you have, Carter. Really, I am. Sometimes I think you think too much for your own good. It's just that... you know, this is coming kind of sudden," her commanding officer said.
Sam nodded. "I know how it must look from the outside, sir, but I am not being pressured in any way if this is what you think. Neither by Jolinar nor by the other Tok'ra," she assured him.
"So do you want to join the Tok'ra, then? Be with your father?" Daniel asked before Colonel O'Neill could say anything else. Daniel mostly looked confused.
"I don't think so. My father will be well enough without me. Actually, I would like to resume active duty with SG-1, actually," Sam replied. "General Hammond has already guaranteed me his support, if you are all okay with it." She lightly stressed the 'my'.
"I do not see why this would make you unfit for duty," Teal'c said and Sam could have kissed him for his restrained but obvious approval in the matter.
"I don't think this is actually the problem, is it, Carter?"
Sam shook her head and sighed. "General Hammond doubts that the Air Force and the NID will like the thought of having a Tok'ra on Stargate Command's flag-ship team."
"No, they will hate that thought," the Colonel said. "So, what would you do if they keep you from this?"
Sam shrugged. "Stay here on base if that's okay. Otherwise, I'd join the Tok'ra, I suppose. I really want to stay with Jolinar and I also know I can help fight the Goa'uld. I'd just really prefer doing it here and with you."
"So we would need to get a replacement for you then?" Colonel O'Neill asked.
"Yeah," Sam answered. There wasn't much to add to that – she knew that if she were to completely leave the team, they would need someone new.
"Well, that's just not an option, is it?" he said. "I suppose the NID won't like the thought of their flag-ship team not being operational, don't ya think?"
Sam raised an eyebrow. Was he really suggesting that he would back her up?
"Oh, don't look so surprised, Carter. I may not like snakes in general, but I dislike being short one brilliant scientist and soldier even more. And it looks like you made already your decision. Everyone with me on this?" He looked at Daniel and Teal'c, who both nodded. "That's settled then. I'm just glad I'm not gonna be the one with the snake in his head."
Sam bowed her head. "Thank you," Jolinar said.
"As long as you don't talk like that, that is. I really, really don't like that."
Jolinar nodded. "As you wish," she said using Sam's normal voice. After a moment's hesitation, she added, "sir."
The official hearing was scheduled for the next day at the Pentagon in Washington and Sam could barely keep her nervousness at bay. She tried hanging out with her team members that night, but found she was too distracted for that and went to bed early.
The fact alone that they let her leave the mountain was... unexpected, to say the least. Sam wondered whether this was some more 'strings-pulling' by the General and maybe even the President or whether the NID really wanted something from the Tok'ra. Likely it was both.
On the flight to Washington the next morning she was so nervous she could barely eat anything and didn't talk a lot. Colonel O'Neill and Daniel were flying with her, Teal'c staying on-base, as they figured the NID hadn't been particularly pleased by Teal'c position on SG-1 in the first place. No need to deliver more ammunition to them than they already had.
When they stepped out of the plane, Daniel placed a hand on her shoulder. "Don't worry, Sam. Remember the last time they tried to sabotage the SGC? We ended up saving their lives."
"You don't seriously expect them to thank us for that, do you?" The Colonel responded, following behind them.
Daniel shrugged. "Well, they were going to give you two medals for that," he pointed out.
Sam laughed. "Right, are we still getting those?" She had forgotten all about that.
"Only if we don't piss them off too much today," Jack added.
"As if we would ever do that," Daniel said.
Sam raised an eyebrow and smiled at the two men. She knew that unfortunately, the fun would end very soon.
They were led to a conference room once at the Pentagon. Sam had never been in that portion of the building, but it was just a completely unspectacular conference room. After five minutes, they were joined by two Air Force representatives, who introduced themselves as Major Grant and Major Davis.
"Pleased to meet you,"Sam said, thinking that they looked friendly enough.
The door opened once more and Sam saw two familiar people enter the room – Agent Walker and Colonel Maybourne.
"Oh, just great," O'Neill said beside Sam, who was equally displeased by the presence of Colonel Maybourne as she was.
"It's nice to meet you again as well, Colonel," Colonel Mayborne said, sitting down.
"I wouldn't call it that," O'Neill responded.
Daniel coughed and Colonel Mayborne changed the topic. "May I introduce Agent Walker, who has been assigned to this... project at the NID. I believe Captain Carter has already met him."
"Project?" Daniel asked.
"The Tok'ra," Agent Walker said.
"Anyway," Major Davis said, "we should probably get started on discussing the topic at hand."
"Yes," Sam agreed with him, desperately wanting to get this over with.
"Captain Carter has requested to be reinstated as a member of the SG-1 team," Major Davis summarized the situation.
"Yes, and the NID is in full support of that decision," Colonel Mayborne said.
Sam paused for a moment, thinking she must have misheard. "Excuse me?" she then said.
"We believe that your position on SG-1 would be beneficial."
"Ah, I see," Colonel O'Neill said. "After so spectacularly failing with the Tollan, you would like to get your hands on some other alien technology."
Sometimes, Sam admired her commanding officer's bluntness in the face of such situations.
"We did not fail with the Tollans," Agent Walker responded.
"Sure looked like that to me when they just walked out on us."
Colonel Maybourne looked at O'Neill. "They did help us by letting us use their technology."
"The Tollan only helped us because they are allies of the Tok'ra, and we practically had to beg them to help us," Daniel said, his voice a bit louder than usually.
Sam had not until now really wondered how the SGC got the Tollan to help them. She had just assumed the SGC had contacted the Nox to help them and they had then talked to the Tollan. But now, she also wondered whether Narim had anything to do with it. Would the Tollan also have helped the SGC with their device if it had been anyone but Sam who had been in this situation?
"Do you really think that after what you wanted to put them through the last time they were here they will ever help us again just because we ask nicely?" Daniel continued.
Sam pushed her thoughts aside. This was not the situation to be thinking of Narim.
"You may not think so, but we have learned from that incident," Agent Walker responded.
"Oh, I am sure you have," Colonel O'Neill answered, making it very clear that he did not think so at all.
Sam thought that the only thing the NID had probably learned was to throw people into cells sooner rather than later. Still, as she had learned from her previous meeting with the NID back at the SGC, the NID seemed awfully set at making this alliance happen.
"Maybe we should let that topic rest for now," Major Grant said, and Sam was grateful for it.
"Yes, let's get back to Captain Carter's request," Colonel Maybourne agreed.
"The Air Force has some security concerns in regards to this situation," Major Davis said.
Sam nodded. "I can understand that."
"We are, essentially, not against you returning to your assignment even in your," Major Grant hesitated, "current state."
Sam nodded again, thinking that so far, this was going much better than she had expected.
Major Grant looked down on a sheet of paper he had brought with him. "We would like that for now, say four weeks, you stay at Stargate Command and not do any field-work related to SG-1. Based on your activities with Jolinar to date, the Air Force will allow you to leave the planet, with prior notice. We would like to see you work with the rest of the base, who could likely all profit from your new knowledge. We would require weekly status reports from Colonel O'Neill and General Hammond during that time. If there are no incidents, we would be happy to have you rejoin SG-1 on active duty after that period."
Sam raised her eyebrows. "Is that all?" she asked.
The Major nodded.
Sam looked at Colonel O'Neill, who shrugged. "I think that sounds reasonable," she said. She hadn't been expecting any less, though she had thought that the NID would be the ones insisting on such measures, and more.
"If it works for you," Colonel O'Neill just said. "And I am sure General Hammond won't mind, either."
"Good. Our one last request is that Captain Carter undergoes frequent psychological evaluations," Major Davis said.
Sam barely refrained from sighing. This request did not please her, but she also knew she was in no position to bargain here. She was asking them a favor.
"You want Carter to see a shrink?" the Colonel asked before she could say anything.
Sam raised a hand. "It's okay, Colonel. I don't mind," she said, her tone probably betraying her words.
Still, Major Davis seemed pleased. "Thank you for cooperating."
Sam leaned back in her chair and relaxed a bit. It looked like the worst part of the meeting was over; the rest of the meeting just consisted of defining what the Air Force required in their reports. Both the NID and the Air Force got mission reports from all Stargate teams anyway, so after her 'probation period' not much would change in that regard, except for the psychological evaluations.
Which wouldn't be fun, but she would deal. At least she had Jolinar to share the pain.
Sam's next stop after returning to the SGC was the Tok'ra base and she was granted permission to use the Stargate to go there without any problems, provided she took two soldiers with her. Whether it was for her protection or not no one ever said and Sam didn't ask. She didn't doubt the good intentions of the Air Force, though, as that seemed to be more General Hammond's own request.
So when she stepped through the gate, she had two Air Force lieutenants with her that she had never seen before. Sam told them to lay down their weapons and only a few minutes after they did so, Martouf came to greet her.
"Samantha, what a pleasant surprise. I hadn't expected to see you again so soon." He hugged her, and Sam realized she felt very comfortable with the physical closeness to Martouf.
"It's good to see you, too," she said and freed herself of his embrace. "I am afraid it is once again not a social call. I would like to meet with the Council, if that is at all possible."
Martouf smiled. "I honestly can't remember a time in recent history when the Council met this often – except for times when the Tok'ra were being severely hunted."
Sam hadn't really thought of this aspect before. Jolinar had never really made it clear to her that this wasn't completely normal. For a moment, she felt a bit embarrassed. "I hope I am not becoming a nuisance to the Council. They probably have other things to do."
"Not really." Martouf shook his head. "At least, not all the time and not now. Come, we will ask whether they are available. Malek left yesterday, but at least Garshaw and Per'sus are present – and of course Selmak." Martouf smiled again. "I am sure he will be very pleased to see you return so soon."
The present members of the Council were actually holding a meeting at the time Sam returned as she learned only minutes later when Martouf tried to find Garshaw. They waited for twenty minutes, but then they were ready to see her. It really was a small circle of only the three Tok'ra Martouf had mentioned and Delek.
"Sam, there you are," her father greeted her as she entered the meeting chamber and hugged her awkwardly.
"Hi, dad."
"We were not expecting you to return to us so swiftly, Samantha. We have so far still been unable to locate a new host for Jolinar," Per'sus said.
Sam shook her head. She wondered what to say briefly, but then said firmly, "One of the reasons I have come here for is to tell you that you can stop searching for one."
"Did you find someone?" Garshaw asked.
Sam shook her head again and then lowered her head to let Jolinar take over.
"Samantha and I wish to remain blended," Jolinar said and Sam felt her happiness at being able to say that.
Sam saw surprise in her father's as well as Per'sus face, but Garshaw was the first to address her. "Is that your wish, Samantha Carter of the Ta'uri?"
The two changed control again. "It is my wish as well as Jolinar's," Sam answered Garshaw.
"Are you sure, Sam?" her father asked her.
Sam nodded. "I am sure, dad." Then she addressed the whole Council. "But I don't just wish to stay with Jolinar. I wish to return to Earth and resume my position within SG-1, as part of the Earth-Tok'ra alliance."
Jacob briefly lowered his head, allowing his symbiote to take over. "I trust it you know what you are doing?" Selmak asked.
Sam knew the question was directed at Jolinar and let her take over again. "Indeed I do. Like Samantha, I wish to fight for our cause with the Ta'uri. I have had a lot of insight into their ways during my time with Samantha, and I think it is in our all interest that we return to the Stargate Program and help SG-1."
"Did the Ta'uri already agree to this?" Per'sus asked.
Jolinar nodded. "Indeed they did."
"You carry a lot of inside knowledge on the Tok'ra...," Delek started, but Jolinar interrupted him.
"And I always have, also on missions for the Tok'ra. Be assured that this is no more or less dangerous as my previous assignments have been. And since we have had a big part in securing a new host for Selmak, who will now act as the Tok'ra-Earth alliance with the Tok'ra, I am certain you will also see that having a Tok'ra join the Stargate program is a step in the right direction."
Sam was impressed by Jolinar's display of boldness, not even leaving the Council the room to object to her wishes.
Per'sus nodded. "I see that you have thought about this a lot already. Is there anyone here who objects to this?"
No one said anything and after a few more moments, it was Sam's father who broke the silence. "And there I thought I'd get more time with my daughter now." He was smiling when he said this, but Sam felt that there was also sadness in his statement.
Sam had to smile as well, but wanted to reassure him. "Don't worry, dad, I'll make sure to visit regularly." Sam knew that there were lots of reasons to go back to see the Tok'ra from time to time – among them her dad and Martouf, who she did feel very familiar with even though they weren't actually. But her place wasn't here – it was as a member of SG-1, traveling to other planets and helping other people, not spying undercover for the Tok'ra, maybe contributing a little to the demise of the Goa'uld, but with less obvious results. She couldn't think in centuries as the Tok'ra did, she needed to do something now.
Per'sus looked around, but no one else spoke. "Then I do not think we have any objections to your plan. If you come to see us from time to time that is. We like to keep in touch with our operatives, but considering your father's situation I am sure you will do that regardless of the Council. We will also make sure you receive a long-range communications device to contact us. However, I will ask you to please do not take that with you on missions. It shouldn't fall into the wrong hands."
Sam nodded. "Thank you," she said. "For everything you have done for me, I mean. And I will contact you again shortly when Earth is ready to resume the official talks."
She looked at her father. He was alive and healthy, and seeing him like that, the sight of him in the hospital bed just a memory, made everything worthwhile.
*
Sam knew she still had to tell Martouf about her decision. She couldn't leave, even if she planned to come back soon, without telling him. Jolinar had been silent so far when it came to Martouf, but Sam felt the urge to explain her feelings to him. Not to get his approval, but to make sure he understood so that she could not feel guilty about it. And for that, she had to see him now.
She found him sitting in one of the common areas, eating his evening meal in the company of Anise. They were lost in serious conversation when she came to stand next to Anise. The conversation stopped as both of them looked up at her.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt."
"You are not interrupting. We were finished with our meal anyway, I think," Martouf said, and Anise nodded.
"We will continue our discussion tomorrow, then," Anise added.
Sam felt like she was interrupting anyway. "You can do it now, really. I can come back later."
Martouf briefly looked at Anise and then shook his head. "There's no need to, the topic wasn't that important anyway."
"I trust it you didn't come here to speak to me?" Freya asked, standing up to go.
"Not really, no," Sam answered.
"Then you'll excuse me." Freya turned to leave.
Sam looked at Martouf confused. "She isn't angry now, is she?"
Martouf smiled. "It takes much more than that to offend Anise and Freya. She just has a very direct personality. What comes across as angry or offended is just how she usually expresses herself. You would notice very quickly if you angered her, I assure you," he explained.
"Good to know."
"What is it you came to see me about?"
Sam hesitated. "I need to talk to you," she said.
Martouf nodded. "Is there a problem?"
"Maybe we could go somewhere a little more private?" Sam suggested, looking around here. There weren't many Tok'ra present right now, but from the few days she had spent here she knew that this could change quickly. There was no real rhythm the Tok'ra lived by.
"Outside, then?
Sam nodded. "Sounds like a good idea."
The base was rather quiet at this time and apart from a few exchanged greetings with other Tok'ra, Sam and Martouf left the tunnels without any interruptions. Martouf made his way away from the ring transporters to the dunes and Sam followed him.
Jolinar seemed genuinely surprised at that thought.
Sam understood. Apart from Jonas, she hadn't really had a long-term relationship up until now, which made Jolinar's and Lantash's relationship seem even stranger to her. But even though her engagement with Jonas had been a disaster in the end, she understood that in such a long-term relationship as theirs, which had survived many long separations and even several hosts, jealousy could have no place.
They sat down on one of the dunes, the sun slowly setting in front of them. It was a beautiful sight, but Sam couldn't pay much attention to it. She was still struggling with what she wanted to say.
"What is it you wanted to talk to me about, Samantha?" Martouf asked softly, looking at her, while she only looked ahead of herself.
"I'm not sure how to say this actually."
Martouf lay a hand on her shoulder. The touch felt warm and familiar and something in Sam wanted to take that hand and hold it and just stay. But Sam also knew that Jolinar was okay with what Sam was about to do, even though it hurt her. "You can talk to me about anything."
She swallowed hard. "I won't be staying here, Martouf. I will return to Earth, to be with my people. And with Jolinar."
He was silent for a bit, taking in this information. His hand still rested on her shoulder. "I understand," he then said.
Sam shook her head. "I don't think you can. There's this part of me, and it's not just Jolinar, but also me, that wants nothing more than to stay here, with the Tok'ra and... with you. And then there's this other part which just wants to go back home and would like for things to be restored to normal as much as possible and the decision to do that just feels right."
"At the very least, I understand that whatever decision you make, it is not an easy one."
"But you don't think it's the right one." It was meant as a question, but it came out like a statement.
Martouf lightly shook his head and retracted his hand. "What I think is inevitably going to be clouded by my feelings for you."
"You mean for Jolinar," Sam corrected him.
But again, Martouf shook his head. "My feelings for Jolinar are not different from the ones I have towards you, Samantha."
"But you barely know me."
"Maybe. And maybe not. I believe I have seen who you truly are in the time we spent together. You are an intelligent, funny, caring and beautiful person. Do not underestimate your effect on people – I do not only see Jolinar in you."
Sam was left speechless by his words for a while. It had been a long time since anyone had spoken about her like this. Yes, she had gotten recognition for being strong and smart in the academy, and she had been told that she was beautiful before, but not like this. The way Martouf said it was with complete honesty, there were no catch involved, he just genuinely said what he thought.
"I want you to know that I respect the choice you made. I would not want you to choose something that could make you unhappy based on my feelings for you." Martouf looked at her and all Sam could see in his eyes was that he was being honest with her.
Sam had to look away before she could say what she wanted to say next. "I feel bad for taking Jolinar away from you." She hadn't discussed this with Jolinar before, and she could feel that Jolinar wanted to talk to her about it now.
"Is there something you need to discuss with Jolinar?" Martouf asked.
Sam smiled in spite of her current emotions. "Did I look that distant there for a while?"
Martouf nodded. "I have a few things to discuss with Lantash as well."
Sam trailed off. She really had no idea what to say.
Sam nodded and left it at that. Jolinar had once again given her more to think about. The Tok'ra dynamics were much more complex than they had looked like at first and Sam still had to get used to some aspects of that. She turned to Martouf again.
"I trust it Jolinar has told you in the end, whatever you two agree on is more important than what I or anyone else thinks. The relationship between the Tok'ra and the human host matters the most to us."
"Yes, she did."
Martouf nodded. "That is a very fundamental aspect of our society. But that you are concerned about what I feel about your decision and how I will be affected by this should tell you something about why I think so highly of you." Martouf smiled at her, but it was a sad smile. The next time he spoke, it was his symbiote Lantash speaking. "I am of course sad to watch Jolinar go, as well as I am sad that you do not wish to stay with the Tok'ra. But as Martouf already said, your decision, whatever it is, will always be respected by us. I have said good-bye to Jolinar many times during our centuries together, often thinking it would be the last time and she has always returned to me. And I trust you that you will bring Jolinar back alive and well. "
Sam took some time to let his words sink in and then nodded. She didn't know what to respond, as everything she could have said seemed to pale in comparison to what Martouf and Lantash had just told her. "Thank you," she simply said.
"I am the one that has to thank you. For bringing Jolinar back home and for giving her a new home. Both with you and with your people."
Lantash bowed his head and a moment later Martouf smiled at her sheepishly. "I hope we haven't made you feel uncomfortable, Samantha. We just want you to know how we feel and not feel bad about your decision."
Sam didn't answer and instead squeezed his hand. He understood. They sat in silence for a few more minutes, watching the sun set completely. It was, as Sam had foreseen, a beautiful sight. The world turned a wonderful shade of orange before the sun sunk too low and darkness began to encompass the two of them.
"Let us go back to the base now," Martouf suggested finally and they walked back together, their hands still entwined.
Sam went back to Earth through the Stargate later that night after having said goodbye to both her father and Martouf. But she wasn't alone, she wouldn't be alone for a long time now. She still had her team, she still had her father, and now she had one more person she could trust.
Epilogue
Sam put the key in the lock of her door, but hesitated to turn it. She hadn't been home in weeks. Home... it was a word that sounded weird after these past weeks. It was eight weeks since she had encountered Jolinar, six weeks since the time on Cronus' ship and five weeks since she had returned to Earth from the Tok'ra base. Now she was officially free to go home. She would return to SG-1 after a week of much needed downtime.
Since returning from the Tok'ra base, she'd remained at the SGC, being checked in the infirmary or sharing some of her new Tok'ra knowledge with Daniel and the science lab. Jolinar hadn't been too thrilled with that at first, but realized that some must be shared for the Tau'ri to trust the Tok'ra in this new alliance. At least she seemed to trust Sam now. But all this meant no time to return to Sam's off-base quarters... home.
Finally, she opened the door and let herself into her own home. It was the middle of the day, so light streamed into the bungalow and she immediately felt welcomed. She had only bought this house half a year ago, but despite that and the fact that she hadn't really had the time to do a lot of decorating, it was still very much hers. It felt like her, from the neatly ordered bookshelves to the classical CD collection and the kitchen counter in the middle of the kitchen, a feature she had insisted on to the realtor.
Closing the door, she hung her keys on the key hook next to the door and slid out of her shoes. The house showed visible signs of her having been gone so long – there was dust gathered on every surface and she didn't even want to think about the contents of the fridge and some of the kitchen cupboards.
The first thing Sam did was to walk through the house to check whether everything was okay. When she found that everything was fine, so she started to make herself at home once again, which included cleaning. She threw out everything in the fridge, dusted and vacuumed all rooms, cleaned the bathroom and went to the close-by store to get new groceries and a few new plants to replace the ones that had died during her absence. When finally everything looked like she liked it, Sam took a nice long shower, dressed in a sweat pants and t-shirt combo and was about ready to collapse on the couch either in front of the TV or reading a good book. However, the door ringing interrupted that plan just as she had sat down.
For a moment, Sam contemplated pretending not to be at home. But the the voice inside of her telling her she couldn't do that won – and that voice wasn't Jolinar. Jolinar was quiet most of the time now – they didn't need words to communicate anymore. Besides, Jolinar was very busy with enjoying the new experience of Earth's surface, because even though she shared Sam's memories, memories were always less detailed than actually being there.
Sighing, Sam got up from the couch and walked towards the front door, deciding that her outfit was good enough for whoever was bothering her on her free afternoon.
She opened the door to see her commanding officer smiling widely at her.
"Hey Carter," he greeted her.
Sam stared at him for a moment, during which he looked down on her and took in her clothes.
"Is this a bad time?" he asked.
"Er, no, please, come in, sir," she replied and opened the door wider, steeping aside to let him through.
"We're off-base, Carter, drop the sir, at least," he replied and didn't leave her any time to respond before continuing. "Anyway, good thing this isn't a bad time because Daniel and Teal'c will be arriving in...." He looked at his watch. "... about half an hour. I have brought beer, they are getting the food and movies."
Sam was overwhelmed by this much information and just followed her unexpected guest into her living room at first.
"Carter, relax. This is neither an invasion nor is it a job interview, this is just a movies, pizza and beer night between a few friends. Now, if you'd like to change your clothes or anything – not that we mind you looking like this, though – I'll be busy getting the beer from the car into the fridge. Wouldn't want it to get warm, would we?"
"Yes, s... Colonel," Sam replied and watched him wander off again. She didn't like surprises, but this was... nice. Even the last weeks on base had been mostly work and she had barely had a leisurely or friendly conversation with anyone from SG-1. She went into her bedroom and changed into a pair of denim jeans, while she could hear him putting a few bottles of beer into her fridge. A quick look in the mirror and she was ready for guests.
"So, who had this idea?" Sam asked when she entered the kitchen again five minutes after she had left her commanding officer alone.
"I know you won't believe it, but Teal'c suggested it."
He was right, Sam didn't believe him. At least, didn't believe that Teal'c had had no encouragement by Daniel and Colonel O'Neill.
"So, what is this about?"
He raised an eyebrow and leaned against the kitchen counter. "What do you mean, what is this about? Can good friends not spend an evening together without there being an ulterior motive?"
Sam shook her head. "Come on, we both know this isn't just about hanging out together."
He sighed. "Okay, Carter, I am going to say this once, and only once because you know how this whole serious talking about emotions is just not my thing. But the last few weeks have been hard – on all of us, but especially on you. I, personally, really don't even want to imagine what it's been like, but you seem to be taking it all in a stride. So, of course, we are concerned. And it really hasn't escaped my notice that you buried yourself in work instead of talking to people and relaxing. But this just has to be tough on you. And whether you now have a snake in your head, as friendly as it may be, or not, we are still your friends and we want to be there should you crash. We want you to be okay, and we're going to be there if we can. So let us do that."
Sam didn't know what to say. The Colonel was, as he himself admitted, not one for talking about emotions, but this had hit a sore spot. Since Jolinar had first entered her, so much had happened. There had never been more than a few hours she had had for herself, to truly sort out her feelings. While her decision to stay with Jolinar had been one that she still stood by, it, like everything else, had been made suddenly, without really going into herself and considering the options. Sam wasn't usually that emotional or even downright reckless and now she slowly began to understand that this too was something that came with being a host: she had taken on some of Jolinar's behavioral patterns. Jolinar was silent in her now, but she could feel the emotional warmth that Jolinar was trying to give her, to show her that it was okay to feel like this.
"I..." Sam wanted to say something. Something about being okay. She closed her mouth again. No, nothing was okay right now and it would take time to get right again, maybe a lot of time. But maybe she wasn't alone in this. "Thank you," she whispered.
He nodded in acknowledgment.
Sam knew he wouldn't press the issue if she didn't want to talk about it and that was fine with her. She didn't want to talk. Instead, it was enough to know that she wasn't alone right now. Despite her best efforts to stay calm at least on the outside, she felt tears welling up in her eyes. She didn't want him to see it.
The Colonel must have sensed that she didn't want any physical comfort, as he turned away from her and opened the fridge. "So Carter, what do you think about beer? Might not be cold enough yet, but why wait until it's a decent time to have some, huh?"
Sam wiped away the tear escaping her eye and pulled herself together. It she broke down now, maybe she wouldn't get up again. And if she broke down in front of him then it wouldn't matter whether they were off-duty or not. She wouldn't know how to look him in the eye the next day, or the day after. And Sam knew he understood that. He hadn't come before Daniel and Teal'c so that she could break down, but so that she could keep from breaking down.
She couldn't thank him for that, though. "I'll have a beer," she instead replied, and after he had gotten the bottle from the fridge in about twice the time he should have needed for that task, she took it from him and carefully avoided looking into his eyes. She knew he understood.
They went to the living room, drinking their almost-cold beer while waiting for Daniel and Teal'c to arrive. The silence was comfortable and only interrupted by a few comments as to the quality of the beer and a few observations on what kind of furniture Sam had chosen and how she had chosen to decorate her house.
The door bell rang exactly half an hour after her first guest had arrived. Sam got up to open the door and let the two remaining team members in.
"Hi, Sam," Daniel said sheepishly and waved a bottle of wine into her face. "Thanks for... em, having us."
Sam raised an eyebrow, seeing as she hadn't been the one to initiate this meeting, but took the bottle from him nonetheless. "Come in, and thanks for the wine, Daniel."
"Greetings, Captain Carter," Teal'c said, four big pizza cartons in his hands.
"Hey, Teal'c," Sam said and invited him in as well.
Teal'c and Daniel followed her into the kitchen, where Colonel O'Neill was already waiting for the food to arrive.
Teal'c put the pizza cartons on the kitchen counter. "We have brought movies as well."
Colonel O'Neill opened the first box and apparently didn't like what he was seeing as he closed the box again and went for the next one. "What kind of movie?"
"A few Star Trek movies, at the suggestion of Daniel Jackson."
Sam could barely keep from laughing. "That will be... an interesting experience."
"I thought we would continue Teal'c's introduction to the genre of science-fiction." Daniel grinned.
Sam remembered the last movie they had all seen together, not long before Apophis' attack on Earth. They had watched Back to the Future at the Colonel's place and as those things always did, it had ended in a long discussion about whether Star Trek or Star Wars was better. It didn't matter what movie you started with, you always ended up with that argument. So now they had to watch all of them.
Colonel O'Neill was now inspecting the contents of the third pizza box and had it taken away by Daniel. "That's mine, Jack."
"So which one is for me?"
"Let me see...," Daniel said, picking up the boxes one by one. "We have Pizza Hawaii here, which is for you, Sam." He handed her the carton. "Then there's Pizza Quatro Stagioni, which is for me. The Tonno is for Teal'c and this one...," he handed the last one to the Colonel, "is a Diabolo and therefore all yours."
Sam grinned. Eating preferences had been established after mere weeks.
"Very good," the Colonel said and grabbed his pizza. "Anyone else want a cold one?"
Daniel nodded enthusiastically, but Sam shook her head. She knew she shouldn't have downed her first beer like that. "I think I'll try some of that wine Daniel brought."
"This is not the point where I mention just how cheap that wine was, is it?" Daniel looked apologetic.
"Your... Tok'ra doesn't prohibit you from drinking, does she?" Colonel O'Neill asked.
Sam laughed. "No, that's not the problem. Though from what I understand, it'll take a lot to get me drunk."
"Damn, that's just plain unfair," he answered. "She will not suffer as much as we do the next time some locals force us to drink their home-brew whatever-they-call-it," he said to Daniel.
"Very unfair," Daniel agreed. "It'll only be us two left," he added.
"And I will be able to remember what happens after the drinking as well," Sam continued to tease her two team-members.
Daniel grinned. "So Jack should better watch out, huh?"
"You say that like I am a cheap drunk. I am quite sure that title as already been awarded to you."
Sam almost giggled at the boys' banter. "Come on, guys, let's grab the pizza and beer – or wine – and hit the video recorder. The three Star Trek movies aren't going to watch themselves."
Sam enjoyed her week of downtime afterward. She showed Jolinar as much of Earth as she could and found it much more interesting than she would have thought before. Most of the ideas on what to do came from Jolinar, who turned out to be much more curious than Sam had imagined.
Jolinar said when she saw a platypus on the National Geographic channel. They decided to go to the zoo to see the animals live.
Another day, Sam decided to introduce Jolinar to the wonders of fresh ice cream and went to the small ice cream place just three minutes away from home. As it turned out, Jolinar had her own taste preferences, some of which were different from Sam's.
They went to the Museum of Natural History with Daniel and Cassie. Daniel was a fabulous guide to Earth culture for people from other planets and explained things so much better than Sam could have – at least when it come to history. Sam took over in the science sections and the sense of wonder on Cassie's face warmed both Sam's and Jolinar's heart.
Jolinar loved Earth myths and so Sam went and got a book about the Arthurian legend that she read in the evenings when she lay curled up on the couch.
Having Jolinar in her felt natural now. Her life had changed, but there was still some normality in there.
After the week, Sam went back to work. Their first mission back as a team was supposed to be a completely routine mission, so when she was called to the briefing room directly upon arrival at the base, an hour before the pre-mission briefing was due, she was surprised by the urgency.
The whole of SG-1 as well as General Hammond were already in there, with Daniel standing next to a monitor, a remote control in his hand.
"Did something happen?" Sam asked while she sat down.
"We just received a transmission," the General explained.
Daniel pushed a button on the remote control. The picture came on, evidently a MALP transmission. Sam immediately recognized Kasuf.
"This was about half an hour ago," Daniel explained. We have periodically tried to make contact with Abydos for the past few days and obviously, Kasuf has unburied the Stargate and is waiting. For me."
Sam hadn't even realized Daniel had been waiting for this, but now his behavior the past few days made perfect sense. Except for the museum visit he had spent all his time at the SGC.
"It's been exactly one Abydos year to the day today, hasn't it? They kept their word," Sam said.
Daniel nodded. "And I have to keep mine."
Sam leaned back a bit in her chair. So her first mission with Jolinar would be going to Abydos, just like on her own first mission. Somehow, it seemed like a fitting start.
END
End Notes:
Chapter Titles:
Thank you for reading this far!
Fandom: Stargate: SG-1
Author: Yvi
Rating: PG-13
Full header in the index post
Sam sat by her father's side for a few hours before he finally opened his eyes again.
"Sam?"
Sam thought he already looked a lot better than when they had left for the Tok'ra planet. "Yes, Dad? I'm here."
"Good." He grasped her hand and squeezed it. And then he smiled.
"How are you feeling?" she asked.
"I think I actually feel fine. You know, physically."
Sam smiled, tons of weight being lifted from her mind. "That's great. And... you know, otherwise?"
He thought for a moment. "It's... confusing. But in a good way, I think."
Sam nodded. She didn't know what he meant, but she could also see that he wasn't yet able to explain his feelings. He had never been the best talker anyway.
"We need to go to the funeral now. They will expect me there. We will more talk later, I promise. We have all the time in the world now." He sat up, smiling.
Sam was anxious to finally talk to her father, but she knew through Jolinar, Saroosh's funeral would not wait. She called for Martouf, who had been waiting outside.
Martouf led them out of the tunnels to the funeral site. The funeral would take place around the Stargate, where some of the Tok'ra had erected a pyre placed Saroosh's body on it, which Sam found rather odd.
*The Stargate will be dialed and the stabilizing event horizon will then sweep away the body.*
Sam found that a fascinating rite, developed by a race whose everyday life involved the Stargate. Even in death, they were connected to it.
"We have come here today to say good-bye to the Tok'ra Saroosh," Selmak began quietly, but audible to everyone who had come. Most of the Tok'ra that were currently on base seemed to have come and they all stood in silence while Selmak talked about Saroosh's life, her personality and her experiences. He spoke in the voice of her father and to Sam that was both soothing and upsetting, as she had heard him talk like this before, on official Air Force functions, but also on her mother's funeral. He had said such beautiful things back then, but Sam remembered little of it. She had been too young, too upset.
Selmak closed the speech with the formal Tok'ra words of final farewell. "shal nor'em calak nem kek. Tak mal arik tiak."
*Your soul will survive even death. You will not be forgotten.*
Sam hadn't known Saroosh at all, but still she could feel her eyes getting wet. She blinked and pushed her feelings away, focusing on the image of her father standing tall and healthy in front of her, so much better than only two days ago.
Per'sus was the one who dialed the Stargate to create the vortex that took Saroosh's body away. One by one, the Tok'ra said their private good-byes and then went back to the tunnels. Per'sus and Sam were the last two, and Per'sus only spoke a few quick words to Sam's father before also returning to the tunnels.
"Sam," Jacob said to her and beckoned her to follow him. They walked in silence for a while and sat down on the desert sand a bit further away from the Stargate. Sam found herself not knowing what to say to him.
"This is all very strange," he then blurted out and laughed.
Sam couldn't help but laugh with him. "I know what you mean."
"I am actually having a conversation in my head and don't know what reply I will get."
"Better than always talking to yourself, huh?"
He thought for a moment. "I am not sure yet. But it sure beats being dead, don't ya think?"
Sam just nodded. She didn't want to think about this particular possible outcome.
"Selmak told me about what happened with you and Jolinar," Jacob continued, quieter than before.
Looking up at her father, she saw concern on his face. "I am fine," she said.
He raised an eyebrow. "And I am supposed to believe that?"
Sam knew that Jolinar felt uncomfortable with this topic, but that wasn't why she didn't want to continue this topic of conversation. "Yes, actually, you are," she replied.
Her father shook his head, but didn't press the matter any further. "I seem to have acquired a few duties along with my new... companion."
Sam was grateful for the change in topic. "Yes, Selmak is a member of the Tok'ra Council."
"Which is having a few issues at the moment. Selmak says I should tell you that Cordesh has been punished and that Talkar has been forced to return to the Tok'ra and is being held until further questioning."
"That is good news," Sam replied.
"The blending and the funeral were a lot to take in at once. I think I will soon make my way to Selmak's... my quarters. We have so much to talk about, Sam, but I am still an old man and need a bit of rest."
She nodded. "I understand. Sounds like a good idea."
"And what are your plans for now, Sam?"
Sam thought for a moment before replying. "I think I will be returning to Earth for a while. That was at least what I had originally planned to do when the General told me about your... condition." Sam hesitated. "Actually, I was supposed to talk some more about the Tok'ra-Earth alliance with General Hammond." Sam had completely forgotten that with everything that had happened.
Her father nodded. "Yes, Selmak has an idea for that, actually. Seems like the Council feels very much in your debt now and will okay a formal alliance very soon. He thinks that I... we could serve as a kind of liaison between the two people."
"And what do you think about that?" Sam asked.
"I think I actually like the idea. I have lived on Earth for so many years, I think I will enjoy seeing what the rest of the universe has to offer to me, and Selmak's life does sound like it would be very exciting. The Air Force hasn't given me any action in years now. But... going back to Earth from time to time would be wonderful. I think I'd miss the planet otherwise. And you and Mark, of course."
Sam nodded. She knew what he meant, she also couldn't imagine a life completely away from Earth.
"So, what are you going to do now?"
"Going back to Earth?" Sam was confused. Hadn't she just answered that question?
Her father shook his head. "No, I mean afterwards. Are you going to wait for a new host for Jolinar and then return to your team?"
Sam shrugged. "I suppose so. I didn't have much time to think the last few days."
He laughed. "I can imagine that. How about you... gate back to Earth and get a few good night's sleep in a real bed? I can imagine that these tunnels are not the most comfortable place to stay. And, well Selmak told me what you have done the last few weeks. A few days back home should do you some good, don't you think? I will excuse you with the other Tok'ra."
"You want to get rid of me, don't you?" Sam laughed.
"Nothing less than that. But apparently, I am now one of their oldest and wisest and can pretty much do what I want. And that includes sending my daughter to bed when I think she needs a break." He winked at her and stood up. "I will even excuse you with Martouf."
Sam was surprised to realize that Jolinar was agreeing with her father.
Don't you want to speak to him?
*In due time. But that can really wait until you have had a break. Until we have both had a break.*
They walked back to the Stargate together. Sam hugged her father good-bye before dialing the coordinates of Earth. She was just about to say something about missing him and how grateful she was for seeing him like this when he just said "Tell George I said hello" and turned away.
Sam sighed. He might be a Tok'ra now, but he was also still her father.
It was late evening on Earth when Sam returned through the Stargate. The General had gone home for the night and so Sam was allowed to return to her quarters after a thorough medical exam. She wasn't allowed to leave the base, but she also had no desire to. For the moment, she just wanted to sleep.
Despite that, Sam woke up in the middle of the night. Even the relatively comfortable bed on base was not inviting enough to keep her from thinking too much. And there was much to think about. She felt like she had been gone for several weeks while in reality it had been just under two. The trip to Ovlek's planet, the time on the ship and then her father's blending... it had all taken place with little time to breathe.
Thoughts floated through her head and at first she tried to suppress them. She know she needed sleep. But she also needed to sort the thoughts in her head and make a few decisions. Jolinar seemed to be asleep, repairing a few minor things in Sam's and her body.
An hour later, Sam was still awake, lying with her eyes closed. She had come to a decision.
Jolinar?
It took Jolinar a few seconds to answer.
*Yes, Samantha?*
I have been thinking.
*While I was asleep?*
Yes.
*What is on your mind?*
Sam strengthened herself. She was sure of what she wanted to say next, but actually formulating the thoughts was more difficult than she had thought.
I have been thinking about us, actually.
*Because of your father?*
No... well, maybe that, too.
*And what have you concluded, Samantha?*
I'm not sure anymore... whether I want us to be separated again. Whether I want to find a new host for you so you can leave me.
*Do you honestly feel this way about me?*
Yes. I am thinking that maybe I would like to remain joined with you. I think I got to know you very well over the past weeks and we have really grown together. And... yes, I think I'd miss you a lot if you'd leave me.
There was a moment of silence and Sam started to feel nervous. Maybe Jolinar didn't feel the same way? But hadn't she felt the same feelings from her for the past few days? The feeling that she didn't want to leave her again?
*I am honored and moved by your words. I would be delighted to continue my life with you if you wish so.*
Sam was relieved. This was such a life-changing decision and she knew that the path in front of her wouldn't be easy. But she needed Jolinar to feel the same or they would have to go separate ways again.
I do have one condition, though, and I am not sure whether you will agree to that-
*What is that condition?*
I currently have no desire to live with the Tok'ra. I'd rather stay here on Earth with Stargate Command. I like the Tok'ra fine, but I miss Earth and my team too much.
*So you would like to rejoin SG-1?*
If I am allowed to, yes. I am sure there will be some hoops to jump through.
Jolinar thought about that for a moment.
*I will be honest with you and say that not being with my people is not what I would choose, but I have been apart from my people very often in the past and I have also learned from you that the way your people fight the Goa'uld is a very good alternative way. I would love to participate in that if your people allow me to do so. *
I guarantee that we will see your people even if we stay on Earth.
*I think that makes them our people, do you not agree?*
Yes, our people.
Sam wasn't sure whether this was the wisest decision she had ever taken. But it felt good to her, and she could only hope that she wouldn't regret it.
In the morning, Sam decided to go the official way. She had been given an appointment at 1030 for a formal debriefing with the General the night before, so she would be able to bring her wish up during that conversation.
After sitting around for a while and a short trip to get some food, Sam wandered over to Daniel's office, not actually sure whether SG-1 already had returned from their mission to Cimmeria. She felt out of the loop and wondered what they had done there.
Daniel practically ran into her when she walked into his room through the open door.
"Oh, hey, Sam. I didn't know you were on base. How are you?" he said, balancing about one dozen thick books between his hands and his chin.
"I'm good, thanks. I arrived really late last night," she answered. "Come on, I can help you." She grabbed the top five books off him.
"I am just going to bring those to Doctor Rothman's office. I don't need them anymore," Daniel explained and led the way. "It's just around the corner."
"How's your father?" Daniel said on the way down the corridor. "We were all worried when we heard about him."
Sam smiled. "Thanks. He's fine now and staying with the Tok'ra for a while."
"Good to hear," Daniel responded, knocking on the door of Rothman's office. When no reply came from the inside, he pushed open the door, which was unlocked.
Sam followed him to the office where he knocked before pushing open the door. The office looked very much like Daniel's, just with less Egyptian things. Instead, the archaeologist working here seemed to be more interested in Ancient China.
"Just put them on the floor somewhere," Daniel advised her and did just that with then pile he was carrying.
Sam wondered whether complete chaos was the normal working environment for Daniel's colleagues, but didn't ask the question out loud, instead just doing as she was told.
"So, did everything go well with your father?" Daniel asked concerned while they were walking back to his office.
She nodded. "Yes, he is healthy again."
"That must have been tough." They arrived in Daniel's office now and Sam's teammate was busy de-cluttering one of the chairs so Sam could sit down. She took the offered seat once he had managed that almost impossible task.
"It wasn't pleasant," Sam said with a sigh. "But it turned out alright."
Daniel nodded, and Sam suspected from his expression that his thoughts were with Sha're again, even if only for a brief second.
"You were on Cimmeria while I was gone," Sam said, changing the topic.
Daniel pushed back his glasses. "Oh, yeah, we came back yesterday as well. Kendra called us because they were being attacked by the Goa'uld."
Sam leaned back and listened to Daniel telling her the whole story, only occasionally asking a question. He told her about the Hall of Thor's Might and how it had taken quite long to solve the puzzle, but they managed with the help of a lieutenant that General Hammond had sent along with them, who apparently had minored in mathemetics.
They laughed that it would have probably taken a bit less time with Sam and for a moment, Sam felt sad that she hadn't been there with her team. But Daniel just went on to talk about discovering the Asgard and Sam was listening to him with growing fascination. The Tok'ra knew of the Asgard, but they had never met them.
As Daniel was coming close to finish recounting the events, Teal'c stopped by and joined them. When she had heard everything there was to know about the Cimmeria mission, Sam told of her own adventures until she took a look at her watch and almost jumped out of Daniel's chair.
"Sorry guys, I have an appointment with the General," she excused herself.
Sam hurried to General Hammond's office and knocked on the door. He called her inside and mentioned for her to take a seat.
She sat down in the chair opposite of the General. It was always slightly intimidating to be in this office even though she couldn't have hoped for a better and kinder base commander than General Hammond. She knew that sh first needed to talk to him about her father, but then... Then she needed to tell him about her plans.
"Welcome home, Captain." General Hammond looked at her warmly.
"Thank you, sir," Sam said with a smile. She liked talking to General Hammond so much more than talking to the Tok'ra Council – where the Tok'ra Council made her feel insecure and small, the General always made her feel welcomed.
"Now, what can I do for you, Captain Carter?" he asked. "Is everything alright with Jacob?"
Sam heard a bit of worry in his voice and shook her head. "No, sir, everything is fine with him and he sends his regards. I am sure he will be able to talk to you in person soon."
"That is wonderful news."
"It is. However, I wanted to talk to you about something else."
Sam took a deep breath. This was it, the first step on her new path.
The General had called an immediate briefing of SG-1 once hearing her decision, but it took some time to assemble the team in one place. Colonel O'Neill had left the base in order to get some downtime after their mission to Cimmeria. Sam knew that that mission must have been straining for the Colonel – after all, SG-1 was partially responsible for the Goa'uld invasion that had taken place. One hour after the General's call, he, too, arrived on base.
"So Carter, what important news do you have? Your dad is okay, right?" Colonel O'Neill said, flinging himself on one of the briefing room chairs. The rest of the team was already seated and they had only been told by the General that Sam needed to discuss something urgent with them. The General himself was not present, instead calling some people who could help with Sam's situation. She was immensely grateful for that.
"He is, Colonel," Sam said with a smile which she knew looked forced.
"That's good to hear. Would love to meet him one of these days. So, I hear you have something urgent for us to discuss?"
"Well, I don't quite know how to phrase this, sir," Sam replied.
"Just... say it out loud. I am sure we can handle it," the colonel replied with a short glance at his teammates, who were as unaware of Sam's plans as he.
She took a deep breath. "I have made a decision regarding Jolinar. I am planning not to take the Tok'ra's offer to find a new host for her. Instead I am planning to stay blended with her. The General already knows about this."
There was a moment of silence. Sam looked at each of them, expecting their reactions not to be positive.
"That is your choice to make, Captain Carter" Teal'c then said, obviously accepting her decision in the matter.
Colonel O'Neill held up a hand. "Whoa, not so quick."
Sam could take a very good guess as to what he wanted to say with that. "Sir, I can assure you I have thought this through."
"Oh, I am sure you have, Carter. Really, I am. Sometimes I think you think too much for your own good. It's just that... you know, this is coming kind of sudden," her commanding officer said.
Sam nodded. "I know how it must look from the outside, sir, but I am not being pressured in any way if this is what you think. Neither by Jolinar nor by the other Tok'ra," she assured him.
"So do you want to join the Tok'ra, then? Be with your father?" Daniel asked before Colonel O'Neill could say anything else. Daniel mostly looked confused.
"I don't think so. My father will be well enough without me. Actually, I would like to resume active duty with SG-1, actually," Sam replied. "General Hammond has already guaranteed me his support, if you are all okay with it." She lightly stressed the 'my'.
"I do not see why this would make you unfit for duty," Teal'c said and Sam could have kissed him for his restrained but obvious approval in the matter.
"I don't think this is actually the problem, is it, Carter?"
Sam shook her head and sighed. "General Hammond doubts that the Air Force and the NID will like the thought of having a Tok'ra on Stargate Command's flag-ship team."
"No, they will hate that thought," the Colonel said. "So, what would you do if they keep you from this?"
Sam shrugged. "Stay here on base if that's okay. Otherwise, I'd join the Tok'ra, I suppose. I really want to stay with Jolinar and I also know I can help fight the Goa'uld. I'd just really prefer doing it here and with you."
"So we would need to get a replacement for you then?" Colonel O'Neill asked.
"Yeah," Sam answered. There wasn't much to add to that – she knew that if she were to completely leave the team, they would need someone new.
"Well, that's just not an option, is it?" he said. "I suppose the NID won't like the thought of their flag-ship team not being operational, don't ya think?"
Sam raised an eyebrow. Was he really suggesting that he would back her up?
"Oh, don't look so surprised, Carter. I may not like snakes in general, but I dislike being short one brilliant scientist and soldier even more. And it looks like you made already your decision. Everyone with me on this?" He looked at Daniel and Teal'c, who both nodded. "That's settled then. I'm just glad I'm not gonna be the one with the snake in his head."
Sam bowed her head. "Thank you," Jolinar said.
"As long as you don't talk like that, that is. I really, really don't like that."
Jolinar nodded. "As you wish," she said using Sam's normal voice. After a moment's hesitation, she added, "sir."
The official hearing was scheduled for the next day at the Pentagon in Washington and Sam could barely keep her nervousness at bay. She tried hanging out with her team members that night, but found she was too distracted for that and went to bed early.
The fact alone that they let her leave the mountain was... unexpected, to say the least. Sam wondered whether this was some more 'strings-pulling' by the General and maybe even the President or whether the NID really wanted something from the Tok'ra. Likely it was both.
On the flight to Washington the next morning she was so nervous she could barely eat anything and didn't talk a lot. Colonel O'Neill and Daniel were flying with her, Teal'c staying on-base, as they figured the NID hadn't been particularly pleased by Teal'c position on SG-1 in the first place. No need to deliver more ammunition to them than they already had.
When they stepped out of the plane, Daniel placed a hand on her shoulder. "Don't worry, Sam. Remember the last time they tried to sabotage the SGC? We ended up saving their lives."
"You don't seriously expect them to thank us for that, do you?" The Colonel responded, following behind them.
Daniel shrugged. "Well, they were going to give you two medals for that," he pointed out.
Sam laughed. "Right, are we still getting those?" She had forgotten all about that.
"Only if we don't piss them off too much today," Jack added.
"As if we would ever do that," Daniel said.
Sam raised an eyebrow and smiled at the two men. She knew that unfortunately, the fun would end very soon.
They were led to a conference room once at the Pentagon. Sam had never been in that portion of the building, but it was just a completely unspectacular conference room. After five minutes, they were joined by two Air Force representatives, who introduced themselves as Major Grant and Major Davis.
"Pleased to meet you,"Sam said, thinking that they looked friendly enough.
The door opened once more and Sam saw two familiar people enter the room – Agent Walker and Colonel Maybourne.
"Oh, just great," O'Neill said beside Sam, who was equally displeased by the presence of Colonel Maybourne as she was.
"It's nice to meet you again as well, Colonel," Colonel Mayborne said, sitting down.
"I wouldn't call it that," O'Neill responded.
Daniel coughed and Colonel Mayborne changed the topic. "May I introduce Agent Walker, who has been assigned to this... project at the NID. I believe Captain Carter has already met him."
"Project?" Daniel asked.
"The Tok'ra," Agent Walker said.
So we are a 'project' now.
*It appears so, yes.*
I should probably feel flattered.
"Anyway," Major Davis said, "we should probably get started on discussing the topic at hand."
"Yes," Sam agreed with him, desperately wanting to get this over with.
"Captain Carter has requested to be reinstated as a member of the SG-1 team," Major Davis summarized the situation.
"Yes, and the NID is in full support of that decision," Colonel Mayborne said.
Sam paused for a moment, thinking she must have misheard. "Excuse me?" she then said.
"We believe that your position on SG-1 would be beneficial."
"Ah, I see," Colonel O'Neill said. "After so spectacularly failing with the Tollan, you would like to get your hands on some other alien technology."
Sometimes, Sam admired her commanding officer's bluntness in the face of such situations.
"We did not fail with the Tollans," Agent Walker responded.
"Sure looked like that to me when they just walked out on us."
Colonel Maybourne looked at O'Neill. "They did help us by letting us use their technology."
"The Tollan only helped us because they are allies of the Tok'ra, and we practically had to beg them to help us," Daniel said, his voice a bit louder than usually.
Sam had not until now really wondered how the SGC got the Tollan to help them. She had just assumed the SGC had contacted the Nox to help them and they had then talked to the Tollan. But now, she also wondered whether Narim had anything to do with it. Would the Tollan also have helped the SGC with their device if it had been anyone but Sam who had been in this situation?
"Do you really think that after what you wanted to put them through the last time they were here they will ever help us again just because we ask nicely?" Daniel continued.
Sam pushed her thoughts aside. This was not the situation to be thinking of Narim.
"You may not think so, but we have learned from that incident," Agent Walker responded.
"Oh, I am sure you have," Colonel O'Neill answered, making it very clear that he did not think so at all.
Sam thought that the only thing the NID had probably learned was to throw people into cells sooner rather than later. Still, as she had learned from her previous meeting with the NID back at the SGC, the NID seemed awfully set at making this alliance happen.
"Maybe we should let that topic rest for now," Major Grant said, and Sam was grateful for it.
"Yes, let's get back to Captain Carter's request," Colonel Maybourne agreed.
"The Air Force has some security concerns in regards to this situation," Major Davis said.
Sam nodded. "I can understand that."
"We are, essentially, not against you returning to your assignment even in your," Major Grant hesitated, "current state."
Sam nodded again, thinking that so far, this was going much better than she had expected.
Major Grant looked down on a sheet of paper he had brought with him. "We would like that for now, say four weeks, you stay at Stargate Command and not do any field-work related to SG-1. Based on your activities with Jolinar to date, the Air Force will allow you to leave the planet, with prior notice. We would like to see you work with the rest of the base, who could likely all profit from your new knowledge. We would require weekly status reports from Colonel O'Neill and General Hammond during that time. If there are no incidents, we would be happy to have you rejoin SG-1 on active duty after that period."
Sam raised her eyebrows. "Is that all?" she asked.
The Major nodded.
Sam looked at Colonel O'Neill, who shrugged. "I think that sounds reasonable," she said. She hadn't been expecting any less, though she had thought that the NID would be the ones insisting on such measures, and more.
"If it works for you," Colonel O'Neill just said. "And I am sure General Hammond won't mind, either."
"Good. Our one last request is that Captain Carter undergoes frequent psychological evaluations," Major Davis said.
Sam barely refrained from sighing. This request did not please her, but she also knew she was in no position to bargain here. She was asking them a favor.
*You do not like this.*
No, but I'll survive.
"You want Carter to see a shrink?" the Colonel asked before she could say anything.
Sam raised a hand. "It's okay, Colonel. I don't mind," she said, her tone probably betraying her words.
Still, Major Davis seemed pleased. "Thank you for cooperating."
Sam leaned back in her chair and relaxed a bit. It looked like the worst part of the meeting was over; the rest of the meeting just consisted of defining what the Air Force required in their reports. Both the NID and the Air Force got mission reports from all Stargate teams anyway, so after her 'probation period' not much would change in that regard, except for the psychological evaluations.
Which wouldn't be fun, but she would deal. At least she had Jolinar to share the pain.
Sam's next stop after returning to the SGC was the Tok'ra base and she was granted permission to use the Stargate to go there without any problems, provided she took two soldiers with her. Whether it was for her protection or not no one ever said and Sam didn't ask. She didn't doubt the good intentions of the Air Force, though, as that seemed to be more General Hammond's own request.
So when she stepped through the gate, she had two Air Force lieutenants with her that she had never seen before. Sam told them to lay down their weapons and only a few minutes after they did so, Martouf came to greet her.
"Samantha, what a pleasant surprise. I hadn't expected to see you again so soon." He hugged her, and Sam realized she felt very comfortable with the physical closeness to Martouf.
"It's good to see you, too," she said and freed herself of his embrace. "I am afraid it is once again not a social call. I would like to meet with the Council, if that is at all possible."
Martouf smiled. "I honestly can't remember a time in recent history when the Council met this often – except for times when the Tok'ra were being severely hunted."
Sam hadn't really thought of this aspect before. Jolinar had never really made it clear to her that this wasn't completely normal. For a moment, she felt a bit embarrassed. "I hope I am not becoming a nuisance to the Council. They probably have other things to do."
"Not really." Martouf shook his head. "At least, not all the time and not now. Come, we will ask whether they are available. Malek left yesterday, but at least Garshaw and Per'sus are present – and of course Selmak." Martouf smiled again. "I am sure he will be very pleased to see you return so soon."
The present members of the Council were actually holding a meeting at the time Sam returned as she learned only minutes later when Martouf tried to find Garshaw. They waited for twenty minutes, but then they were ready to see her. It really was a small circle of only the three Tok'ra Martouf had mentioned and Delek.
"Sam, there you are," her father greeted her as she entered the meeting chamber and hugged her awkwardly.
"Hi, dad."
"We were not expecting you to return to us so swiftly, Samantha. We have so far still been unable to locate a new host for Jolinar," Per'sus said.
Sam shook her head. She wondered what to say briefly, but then said firmly, "One of the reasons I have come here for is to tell you that you can stop searching for one."
"Did you find someone?" Garshaw asked.
Sam shook her head again and then lowered her head to let Jolinar take over.
"Samantha and I wish to remain blended," Jolinar said and Sam felt her happiness at being able to say that.
Sam saw surprise in her father's as well as Per'sus face, but Garshaw was the first to address her. "Is that your wish, Samantha Carter of the Ta'uri?"
The two changed control again. "It is my wish as well as Jolinar's," Sam answered Garshaw.
"Are you sure, Sam?" her father asked her.
Sam nodded. "I am sure, dad." Then she addressed the whole Council. "But I don't just wish to stay with Jolinar. I wish to return to Earth and resume my position within SG-1, as part of the Earth-Tok'ra alliance."
Jacob briefly lowered his head, allowing his symbiote to take over. "I trust it you know what you are doing?" Selmak asked.
Sam knew the question was directed at Jolinar and let her take over again. "Indeed I do. Like Samantha, I wish to fight for our cause with the Ta'uri. I have had a lot of insight into their ways during my time with Samantha, and I think it is in our all interest that we return to the Stargate Program and help SG-1."
"Did the Ta'uri already agree to this?" Per'sus asked.
Jolinar nodded. "Indeed they did."
"You carry a lot of inside knowledge on the Tok'ra...," Delek started, but Jolinar interrupted him.
"And I always have, also on missions for the Tok'ra. Be assured that this is no more or less dangerous as my previous assignments have been. And since we have had a big part in securing a new host for Selmak, who will now act as the Tok'ra-Earth alliance with the Tok'ra, I am certain you will also see that having a Tok'ra join the Stargate program is a step in the right direction."
Sam was impressed by Jolinar's display of boldness, not even leaving the Council the room to object to her wishes.
Per'sus nodded. "I see that you have thought about this a lot already. Is there anyone here who objects to this?"
No one said anything and after a few more moments, it was Sam's father who broke the silence. "And there I thought I'd get more time with my daughter now." He was smiling when he said this, but Sam felt that there was also sadness in his statement.
Sam had to smile as well, but wanted to reassure him. "Don't worry, dad, I'll make sure to visit regularly." Sam knew that there were lots of reasons to go back to see the Tok'ra from time to time – among them her dad and Martouf, who she did feel very familiar with even though they weren't actually. But her place wasn't here – it was as a member of SG-1, traveling to other planets and helping other people, not spying undercover for the Tok'ra, maybe contributing a little to the demise of the Goa'uld, but with less obvious results. She couldn't think in centuries as the Tok'ra did, she needed to do something now.
Per'sus looked around, but no one else spoke. "Then I do not think we have any objections to your plan. If you come to see us from time to time that is. We like to keep in touch with our operatives, but considering your father's situation I am sure you will do that regardless of the Council. We will also make sure you receive a long-range communications device to contact us. However, I will ask you to please do not take that with you on missions. It shouldn't fall into the wrong hands."
Sam nodded. "Thank you," she said. "For everything you have done for me, I mean. And I will contact you again shortly when Earth is ready to resume the official talks."
She looked at her father. He was alive and healthy, and seeing him like that, the sight of him in the hospital bed just a memory, made everything worthwhile.
*
Sam knew she still had to tell Martouf about her decision. She couldn't leave, even if she planned to come back soon, without telling him. Jolinar had been silent so far when it came to Martouf, but Sam felt the urge to explain her feelings to him. Not to get his approval, but to make sure he understood so that she could not feel guilty about it. And for that, she had to see him now.
She found him sitting in one of the common areas, eating his evening meal in the company of Anise. They were lost in serious conversation when she came to stand next to Anise. The conversation stopped as both of them looked up at her.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt."
"You are not interrupting. We were finished with our meal anyway, I think," Martouf said, and Anise nodded.
"We will continue our discussion tomorrow, then," Anise added.
Sam felt like she was interrupting anyway. "You can do it now, really. I can come back later."
Martouf briefly looked at Anise and then shook his head. "There's no need to, the topic wasn't that important anyway."
"I trust it you didn't come here to speak to me?" Freya asked, standing up to go.
"Not really, no," Sam answered.
"Then you'll excuse me." Freya turned to leave.
Sam looked at Martouf confused. "She isn't angry now, is she?"
Martouf smiled. "It takes much more than that to offend Anise and Freya. She just has a very direct personality. What comes across as angry or offended is just how she usually expresses herself. You would notice very quickly if you angered her, I assure you," he explained.
"Good to know."
"What is it you came to see me about?"
Sam hesitated. "I need to talk to you," she said.
Martouf nodded. "Is there a problem?"
"Maybe we could go somewhere a little more private?" Sam suggested, looking around here. There weren't many Tok'ra present right now, but from the few days she had spent here she knew that this could change quickly. There was no real rhythm the Tok'ra lived by.
"Outside, then?
Sam nodded. "Sounds like a good idea."
The base was rather quiet at this time and apart from a few exchanged greetings with other Tok'ra, Sam and Martouf left the tunnels without any interruptions. Martouf made his way away from the ring transporters to the dunes and Sam followed him.
Aren't you jealous at all?
*Why would I be jealous?*
Jolinar seemed genuinely surprised at that thought.
About Anise? Maybe this is stupid of me, but well... I think I would be.
*Jealousy is not something I actually think about often. I know Martouf and Lantash and I also know Anise and Freya. Where I trust Martouf that he would never betray me in any way, I also know Anise enough to be certain that she would also never do such a thing. She is not interested at all in Martouf.*
You're never jealous?
*I would not say 'never', but it comes close, yes. I believe it is very much a sign of insecurities and problems that need to be addressed, and Lantash and I addressed those a long time ago.*
Sam understood. Apart from Jonas, she hadn't really had a long-term relationship up until now, which made Jolinar's and Lantash's relationship seem even stranger to her. But even though her engagement with Jonas had been a disaster in the end, she understood that in such a long-term relationship as theirs, which had survived many long separations and even several hosts, jealousy could have no place.
They sat down on one of the dunes, the sun slowly setting in front of them. It was a beautiful sight, but Sam couldn't pay much attention to it. She was still struggling with what she wanted to say.
"What is it you wanted to talk to me about, Samantha?" Martouf asked softly, looking at her, while she only looked ahead of herself.
"I'm not sure how to say this actually."
Martouf lay a hand on her shoulder. The touch felt warm and familiar and something in Sam wanted to take that hand and hold it and just stay. But Sam also knew that Jolinar was okay with what Sam was about to do, even though it hurt her. "You can talk to me about anything."
She swallowed hard. "I won't be staying here, Martouf. I will return to Earth, to be with my people. And with Jolinar."
He was silent for a bit, taking in this information. His hand still rested on her shoulder. "I understand," he then said.
Sam shook her head. "I don't think you can. There's this part of me, and it's not just Jolinar, but also me, that wants nothing more than to stay here, with the Tok'ra and... with you. And then there's this other part which just wants to go back home and would like for things to be restored to normal as much as possible and the decision to do that just feels right."
"At the very least, I understand that whatever decision you make, it is not an easy one."
"But you don't think it's the right one." It was meant as a question, but it came out like a statement.
Martouf lightly shook his head and retracted his hand. "What I think is inevitably going to be clouded by my feelings for you."
"You mean for Jolinar," Sam corrected him.
But again, Martouf shook his head. "My feelings for Jolinar are not different from the ones I have towards you, Samantha."
"But you barely know me."
"Maybe. And maybe not. I believe I have seen who you truly are in the time we spent together. You are an intelligent, funny, caring and beautiful person. Do not underestimate your effect on people – I do not only see Jolinar in you."
Sam was left speechless by his words for a while. It had been a long time since anyone had spoken about her like this. Yes, she had gotten recognition for being strong and smart in the academy, and she had been told that she was beautiful before, but not like this. The way Martouf said it was with complete honesty, there were no catch involved, he just genuinely said what he thought.
"I want you to know that I respect the choice you made. I would not want you to choose something that could make you unhappy based on my feelings for you." Martouf looked at her and all Sam could see in his eyes was that he was being honest with her.
Sam had to look away before she could say what she wanted to say next. "I feel bad for taking Jolinar away from you." She hadn't discussed this with Jolinar before, and she could feel that Jolinar wanted to talk to her about it now.
*It is also my decision. If I did not agree with you, I think you would know.*
Still... that doesn't stop me from feeling like I am taking something big away from the both of you.
"Is there something you need to discuss with Jolinar?" Martouf asked.
Sam smiled in spite of her current emotions. "Did I look that distant there for a while?"
Martouf nodded. "I have a few things to discuss with Lantash as well."
This is strange. Talking to you while Martouf talks to Lantash.
*I see. It is quite normal for me. You will get used to it, I assure you.*
Anyway, about what I was saying...
*There is no reason for you to feel bad. I love Martouf and Lantash with all I have. But the relationship to you is the most important for me and it comes above everything else.*
But doesn't that mean just that? That I am the one thing keeping you from them?
*No, it means not only you made a choice, I made one as well. I knew that you are not ready to be with Martouf when I agreed to stay with you. And I do not regret that.*
That...
Sam trailed off. She really had no idea what to say.
*There is no need to say anything. This is just the way it is.*
Sam nodded and left it at that. Jolinar had once again given her more to think about. The Tok'ra dynamics were much more complex than they had looked like at first and Sam still had to get used to some aspects of that. She turned to Martouf again.
"I trust it Jolinar has told you in the end, whatever you two agree on is more important than what I or anyone else thinks. The relationship between the Tok'ra and the human host matters the most to us."
"Yes, she did."
Martouf nodded. "That is a very fundamental aspect of our society. But that you are concerned about what I feel about your decision and how I will be affected by this should tell you something about why I think so highly of you." Martouf smiled at her, but it was a sad smile. The next time he spoke, it was his symbiote Lantash speaking. "I am of course sad to watch Jolinar go, as well as I am sad that you do not wish to stay with the Tok'ra. But as Martouf already said, your decision, whatever it is, will always be respected by us. I have said good-bye to Jolinar many times during our centuries together, often thinking it would be the last time and she has always returned to me. And I trust you that you will bring Jolinar back alive and well. "
Sam took some time to let his words sink in and then nodded. She didn't know what to respond, as everything she could have said seemed to pale in comparison to what Martouf and Lantash had just told her. "Thank you," she simply said.
"I am the one that has to thank you. For bringing Jolinar back home and for giving her a new home. Both with you and with your people."
Lantash bowed his head and a moment later Martouf smiled at her sheepishly. "I hope we haven't made you feel uncomfortable, Samantha. We just want you to know how we feel and not feel bad about your decision."
Sam didn't answer and instead squeezed his hand. He understood. They sat in silence for a few more minutes, watching the sun set completely. It was, as Sam had foreseen, a beautiful sight. The world turned a wonderful shade of orange before the sun sunk too low and darkness began to encompass the two of them.
"Let us go back to the base now," Martouf suggested finally and they walked back together, their hands still entwined.
Sam went back to Earth through the Stargate later that night after having said goodbye to both her father and Martouf. But she wasn't alone, she wouldn't be alone for a long time now. She still had her team, she still had her father, and now she had one more person she could trust.
Sam put the key in the lock of her door, but hesitated to turn it. She hadn't been home in weeks. Home... it was a word that sounded weird after these past weeks. It was eight weeks since she had encountered Jolinar, six weeks since the time on Cronus' ship and five weeks since she had returned to Earth from the Tok'ra base. Now she was officially free to go home. She would return to SG-1 after a week of much needed downtime.
Since returning from the Tok'ra base, she'd remained at the SGC, being checked in the infirmary or sharing some of her new Tok'ra knowledge with Daniel and the science lab. Jolinar hadn't been too thrilled with that at first, but realized that some must be shared for the Tau'ri to trust the Tok'ra in this new alliance. At least she seemed to trust Sam now. But all this meant no time to return to Sam's off-base quarters... home.
Finally, she opened the door and let herself into her own home. It was the middle of the day, so light streamed into the bungalow and she immediately felt welcomed. She had only bought this house half a year ago, but despite that and the fact that she hadn't really had the time to do a lot of decorating, it was still very much hers. It felt like her, from the neatly ordered bookshelves to the classical CD collection and the kitchen counter in the middle of the kitchen, a feature she had insisted on to the realtor.
Closing the door, she hung her keys on the key hook next to the door and slid out of her shoes. The house showed visible signs of her having been gone so long – there was dust gathered on every surface and she didn't even want to think about the contents of the fridge and some of the kitchen cupboards.
The first thing Sam did was to walk through the house to check whether everything was okay. When she found that everything was fine, so she started to make herself at home once again, which included cleaning. She threw out everything in the fridge, dusted and vacuumed all rooms, cleaned the bathroom and went to the close-by store to get new groceries and a few new plants to replace the ones that had died during her absence. When finally everything looked like she liked it, Sam took a nice long shower, dressed in a sweat pants and t-shirt combo and was about ready to collapse on the couch either in front of the TV or reading a good book. However, the door ringing interrupted that plan just as she had sat down.
For a moment, Sam contemplated pretending not to be at home. But the the voice inside of her telling her she couldn't do that won – and that voice wasn't Jolinar. Jolinar was quiet most of the time now – they didn't need words to communicate anymore. Besides, Jolinar was very busy with enjoying the new experience of Earth's surface, because even though she shared Sam's memories, memories were always less detailed than actually being there.
Sighing, Sam got up from the couch and walked towards the front door, deciding that her outfit was good enough for whoever was bothering her on her free afternoon.
She opened the door to see her commanding officer smiling widely at her.
"Hey Carter," he greeted her.
Sam stared at him for a moment, during which he looked down on her and took in her clothes.
"Is this a bad time?" he asked.
"Er, no, please, come in, sir," she replied and opened the door wider, steeping aside to let him through.
"We're off-base, Carter, drop the sir, at least," he replied and didn't leave her any time to respond before continuing. "Anyway, good thing this isn't a bad time because Daniel and Teal'c will be arriving in...." He looked at his watch. "... about half an hour. I have brought beer, they are getting the food and movies."
Sam was overwhelmed by this much information and just followed her unexpected guest into her living room at first.
"Carter, relax. This is neither an invasion nor is it a job interview, this is just a movies, pizza and beer night between a few friends. Now, if you'd like to change your clothes or anything – not that we mind you looking like this, though – I'll be busy getting the beer from the car into the fridge. Wouldn't want it to get warm, would we?"
"Yes, s... Colonel," Sam replied and watched him wander off again. She didn't like surprises, but this was... nice. Even the last weeks on base had been mostly work and she had barely had a leisurely or friendly conversation with anyone from SG-1. She went into her bedroom and changed into a pair of denim jeans, while she could hear him putting a few bottles of beer into her fridge. A quick look in the mirror and she was ready for guests.
"So, who had this idea?" Sam asked when she entered the kitchen again five minutes after she had left her commanding officer alone.
"I know you won't believe it, but Teal'c suggested it."
He was right, Sam didn't believe him. At least, didn't believe that Teal'c had had no encouragement by Daniel and Colonel O'Neill.
"So, what is this about?"
He raised an eyebrow and leaned against the kitchen counter. "What do you mean, what is this about? Can good friends not spend an evening together without there being an ulterior motive?"
Sam shook her head. "Come on, we both know this isn't just about hanging out together."
He sighed. "Okay, Carter, I am going to say this once, and only once because you know how this whole serious talking about emotions is just not my thing. But the last few weeks have been hard – on all of us, but especially on you. I, personally, really don't even want to imagine what it's been like, but you seem to be taking it all in a stride. So, of course, we are concerned. And it really hasn't escaped my notice that you buried yourself in work instead of talking to people and relaxing. But this just has to be tough on you. And whether you now have a snake in your head, as friendly as it may be, or not, we are still your friends and we want to be there should you crash. We want you to be okay, and we're going to be there if we can. So let us do that."
Sam didn't know what to say. The Colonel was, as he himself admitted, not one for talking about emotions, but this had hit a sore spot. Since Jolinar had first entered her, so much had happened. There had never been more than a few hours she had had for herself, to truly sort out her feelings. While her decision to stay with Jolinar had been one that she still stood by, it, like everything else, had been made suddenly, without really going into herself and considering the options. Sam wasn't usually that emotional or even downright reckless and now she slowly began to understand that this too was something that came with being a host: she had taken on some of Jolinar's behavioral patterns. Jolinar was silent in her now, but she could feel the emotional warmth that Jolinar was trying to give her, to show her that it was okay to feel like this.
"I..." Sam wanted to say something. Something about being okay. She closed her mouth again. No, nothing was okay right now and it would take time to get right again, maybe a lot of time. But maybe she wasn't alone in this. "Thank you," she whispered.
He nodded in acknowledgment.
Sam knew he wouldn't press the issue if she didn't want to talk about it and that was fine with her. She didn't want to talk. Instead, it was enough to know that she wasn't alone right now. Despite her best efforts to stay calm at least on the outside, she felt tears welling up in her eyes. She didn't want him to see it.
The Colonel must have sensed that she didn't want any physical comfort, as he turned away from her and opened the fridge. "So Carter, what do you think about beer? Might not be cold enough yet, but why wait until it's a decent time to have some, huh?"
Sam wiped away the tear escaping her eye and pulled herself together. It she broke down now, maybe she wouldn't get up again. And if she broke down in front of him then it wouldn't matter whether they were off-duty or not. She wouldn't know how to look him in the eye the next day, or the day after. And Sam knew he understood that. He hadn't come before Daniel and Teal'c so that she could break down, but so that she could keep from breaking down.
She couldn't thank him for that, though. "I'll have a beer," she instead replied, and after he had gotten the bottle from the fridge in about twice the time he should have needed for that task, she took it from him and carefully avoided looking into his eyes. She knew he understood.
They went to the living room, drinking their almost-cold beer while waiting for Daniel and Teal'c to arrive. The silence was comfortable and only interrupted by a few comments as to the quality of the beer and a few observations on what kind of furniture Sam had chosen and how she had chosen to decorate her house.
The door bell rang exactly half an hour after her first guest had arrived. Sam got up to open the door and let the two remaining team members in.
"Hi, Sam," Daniel said sheepishly and waved a bottle of wine into her face. "Thanks for... em, having us."
Sam raised an eyebrow, seeing as she hadn't been the one to initiate this meeting, but took the bottle from him nonetheless. "Come in, and thanks for the wine, Daniel."
"Greetings, Captain Carter," Teal'c said, four big pizza cartons in his hands.
"Hey, Teal'c," Sam said and invited him in as well.
Teal'c and Daniel followed her into the kitchen, where Colonel O'Neill was already waiting for the food to arrive.
Teal'c put the pizza cartons on the kitchen counter. "We have brought movies as well."
Colonel O'Neill opened the first box and apparently didn't like what he was seeing as he closed the box again and went for the next one. "What kind of movie?"
"A few Star Trek movies, at the suggestion of Daniel Jackson."
Sam could barely keep from laughing. "That will be... an interesting experience."
"I thought we would continue Teal'c's introduction to the genre of science-fiction." Daniel grinned.
Sam remembered the last movie they had all seen together, not long before Apophis' attack on Earth. They had watched Back to the Future at the Colonel's place and as those things always did, it had ended in a long discussion about whether Star Trek or Star Wars was better. It didn't matter what movie you started with, you always ended up with that argument. So now they had to watch all of them.
Colonel O'Neill was now inspecting the contents of the third pizza box and had it taken away by Daniel. "That's mine, Jack."
"So which one is for me?"
"Let me see...," Daniel said, picking up the boxes one by one. "We have Pizza Hawaii here, which is for you, Sam." He handed her the carton. "Then there's Pizza Quatro Stagioni, which is for me. The Tonno is for Teal'c and this one...," he handed the last one to the Colonel, "is a Diabolo and therefore all yours."
Sam grinned. Eating preferences had been established after mere weeks.
"Very good," the Colonel said and grabbed his pizza. "Anyone else want a cold one?"
Daniel nodded enthusiastically, but Sam shook her head. She knew she shouldn't have downed her first beer like that. "I think I'll try some of that wine Daniel brought."
"This is not the point where I mention just how cheap that wine was, is it?" Daniel looked apologetic.
"Your... Tok'ra doesn't prohibit you from drinking, does she?" Colonel O'Neill asked.
Sam laughed. "No, that's not the problem. Though from what I understand, it'll take a lot to get me drunk."
*That is indeed the case. My physiology will break down the alcohol in your blood quickly.*
That's good to know.
"Damn, that's just plain unfair," he answered. "She will not suffer as much as we do the next time some locals force us to drink their home-brew whatever-they-call-it," he said to Daniel.
"Very unfair," Daniel agreed. "It'll only be us two left," he added.
"And I will be able to remember what happens after the drinking as well," Sam continued to tease her two team-members.
Daniel grinned. "So Jack should better watch out, huh?"
"You say that like I am a cheap drunk. I am quite sure that title as already been awarded to you."
Sam almost giggled at the boys' banter. "Come on, guys, let's grab the pizza and beer – or wine – and hit the video recorder. The three Star Trek movies aren't going to watch themselves."
Sam enjoyed her week of downtime afterward. She showed Jolinar as much of Earth as she could and found it much more interesting than she would have thought before. Most of the ideas on what to do came from Jolinar, who turned out to be much more curious than Sam had imagined.
*Your animals here are strange*
Jolinar said when she saw a platypus on the National Geographic channel. They decided to go to the zoo to see the animals live.
Another day, Sam decided to introduce Jolinar to the wonders of fresh ice cream and went to the small ice cream place just three minutes away from home. As it turned out, Jolinar had her own taste preferences, some of which were different from Sam's.
Seriously, you don't like chocolate?
*I like it. I just prefer vanilla.*
Good, because I would never ever give up chocolate.
They went to the Museum of Natural History with Daniel and Cassie. Daniel was a fabulous guide to Earth culture for people from other planets and explained things so much better than Sam could have – at least when it come to history. Sam took over in the science sections and the sense of wonder on Cassie's face warmed both Sam's and Jolinar's heart.
*Earth has come so far*
Well, we tried. There's still so much to do out there.
Jolinar loved Earth myths and so Sam went and got a book about the Arthurian legend that she read in the evenings when she lay curled up on the couch.
Having Jolinar in her felt natural now. Her life had changed, but there was still some normality in there.
After the week, Sam went back to work. Their first mission back as a team was supposed to be a completely routine mission, so when she was called to the briefing room directly upon arrival at the base, an hour before the pre-mission briefing was due, she was surprised by the urgency.
The whole of SG-1 as well as General Hammond were already in there, with Daniel standing next to a monitor, a remote control in his hand.
"Did something happen?" Sam asked while she sat down.
"We just received a transmission," the General explained.
Daniel pushed a button on the remote control. The picture came on, evidently a MALP transmission. Sam immediately recognized Kasuf.
"This was about half an hour ago," Daniel explained. We have periodically tried to make contact with Abydos for the past few days and obviously, Kasuf has unburied the Stargate and is waiting. For me."
Sam hadn't even realized Daniel had been waiting for this, but now his behavior the past few days made perfect sense. Except for the museum visit he had spent all his time at the SGC.
"It's been exactly one Abydos year to the day today, hasn't it? They kept their word," Sam said.
Daniel nodded. "And I have to keep mine."
Sam leaned back a bit in her chair. So her first mission with Jolinar would be going to Abydos, just like on her own first mission. Somehow, it seemed like a fitting start.
END
End Notes:
Chapter Titles:
- Co-existance: the state of two or more things existing together, usually in a temporal or spacial sense, with or without mutual interaction
- Commensalism: the relation between two different kinds of organisms when one receives benefits from the other without damaging it
- Mutualism: any interaction between two species that benefits both; typically involves the exchange of substances or services
- Co-evolution: A change in the genetic composition of one species (or group) in response to a genetic change in another
- Symbiosis: the relation between two different species of organisms that are interdependent; each gains benefits from the other
Thank you for reading this far!
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2009-07-16 05:13 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-07-16 05:33 am (UTC)My beta mentioned she would love to see how this Sam and our Sam interact in "Ripple Effect". I am vaguely planning writing short stories about her her life progresses up to that point. Not another 50K+ project like this ;)
(no subject)
Date: 2009-07-18 01:29 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-07-23 07:52 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-07-23 07:51 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-07-23 07:52 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-07-23 09:26 am (UTC)Danke Schonen ... I'm sure I spelled that wrong, but the sentiment remains! Thank you!!
r
PS
My choice for sequel would be more of Daniel interacting with Jolinar. But I am a Daniel freak :)
(no subject)
Date: 2009-07-23 09:33 am (UTC)My choice for sequel would be more of Daniel interacting with Jolinar. But I am a Daniel freak :)
So much possibilities to choose from!
Of course, the logical next step would be "Jolinar helps rescue Sha're" with Jolinar&Sam&Daniel&Sha're bonding.
Oh my, don't give me ideas.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-07-23 09:37 am (UTC)I am an evil enabler and would love to read that, so don't ask me to discourage you :) :)
(no subject)
Date: 2009-07-31 01:05 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-18 04:27 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-15 09:30 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-18 04:27 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-20 08:34 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-21 05:59 am (UTC). I also hope Sam is not going to continue keeping Jolinar away from her mates, but at least returns to them regularly.
Of course she would, after all, her father lives with them :)
Thanks for reading and for the feedback!
(no subject)
Date: 2009-09-11 02:27 am (UTC)